The internet and dating...

[Fabrizio]

I would really like to hear some opinions on this....has anyone encountered anything similair?:

Let´s say you´ve recently met a person that you like a lot. You met the person casually through friends.

You´ve gone on a few "dates"....dinner....coffee....nothing more....but you feel something...you´re a bit smitten...and you feel the other person is too.

This person, then matter of factly announces that their photo and profile is on a web site for meeting other people ("meeting other people" mostly means hooking up sexually).

Are you as suddenly turned off as I am?

[ablarc]

Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome.

[BrooklynRider]

I'd be curious.

I find the AIDS comment particularly extreme.

[ablarc]

I find the AIDS comment particularly extreme.
Pot or kettle?

Strange comment coming from you, of all people.

[Luca]

How's this then>
"wrap that rascal!" ;)

[Fabrizio]

AIDS is always a concern so it´s not the point here.

Brooklyn: what do you mean by "I'd be curious" ?

Luca: "wrap that rascal" ?? Went over my head

[Luca]

i.e. wear a condom. They used to make t-shirts with slogan AND illustration

[Fabrizio]

Oh... "rascal"....

"wrap that rascal"

I guess I didn´t get it because I associate "rascal" with "little".

[Ninjahedge]

????

You guys are weird.

If the site is for Swingers, then yes, I would be a little put off. But if her profile was on there to genuinely try to meet someone, whether to hang out with or get serious with, then no.

You have to see why she was doing it, rather than just hearing "internet" and phreaking.

[BrooklynRider]

Brooklyn: what do you mean by "I'd be curious" ?

Well, my first partner (of 4 years) I met online in a "hook-up" site.

My present partner of five years I met online at a "hook-up" site.

No different to me than showing up in a crowded pick-up joint, except I saved on cost of drinks, didn't get drunk, and knew their was a physical attraction right off.

I think applying a blanket "AIDS" label to it is extreme. Considering that people are still getting bashed regularly around the country, it is actually a rather unobtrusive way to find peoplle who happen to live in your area who are single. On the few sites I've seen, there are very clear places to indicate that you will only engage in Safe Sex, so the AIDS thing is extreme when the facts about the sites are known. Sites also prohibit people from using terms that refer or can be inferred to mean "drug use" of any kind.

I used to go to bars and all met were drunks. I'd go to coffee houses and all I'd meet were alcoholics in recovery. At least from the gay perspective, its a viable option. And, although everyone on there is willing to "hook up," many specify that they are only looking to hook up for a date or to go to dinner or a movie. And, yes, alot of people are looking for sex. I admit it is a different world that when I was a teen or just out of high school and the options are plenty and much more out. But, for me who grew up in a "beat up the fag" neighborhood as a kid, these sites are a tremendous improvement over having people bash you or police entrap you because you go to places that are "gay" to meet other gays.

[OmegaNYC]

I did the internet thing once. Girl left me, like everyone else, lol :p

[BrooklynRider]

Well, we still give you love.

[Fabrizio]

Brooklyn: for just the usual physical relations, fortunately I'm a satisfied guy (...this is Italy after all :) )

But I'd like a serious relationship again, and so I'm looking. I can deal with someone who indulges in the usual, casual, hit&run sex....everyone does: straight or gay...but someone with their photo and profile on a site where they're getting hundreds of e-mails?

I just can't get over that. And the fact that I can't accept it sorta bothers me, because it is something a lot of people do now.

[Ninjahedge]

Are we talking about ALL internet dating, or only the "feeling lucky" sites?

[londonlawyer]

I met my wife on match.com.

My friends use a website called adultfriendfinder.com, and they get action all the time from it. Apparently, it's well worth the $50 initiation fee!:D

[BrooklynRider]

Brooklyn: for just the usual physical relations, fortunately I'm a satisfied guy (...this is Italy after all :) )

But I'd like a serious relationship again, and so I'm looking. I can deal with someone who indulges in the usual, casual, hit&run sex....everyone does: straight or gay...but someone with their photo and profile on a site where they're getting hundreds of e-mails?

I just can't get over that. And the fact that I can't accept it sorta bothers me, because it is something a lot of people do now.

If you have met someone you like and that person is good enough to share this info, I think you are overreacting to it. You are not in a committed relationship at this point, so what is the harm? The person is not cheating on you. Just satisfying a very primal urge.

We live in a sex-negative society that would regulate the use of the penis if they could. Finally, the Internet offers a way for people to meet without being seen going into singles bars, bathhouses, backrooms, or other places that have sexual connotations, but are considered skeevy.

Sex is not skeevy so long as it is between two consenting adults who bathe with some consistency. The places one has sex can be intenseively skeevy (and that can be a turn on for some), but the acts themselves are not.

I don't know anything that feels better than an orgasm. I can't understand why anyone would deny or criticize anyone who sought to re-experience that feeling again and again - provided they were still makig it to work on time and meeting all the responsibilities of life.

Now, unilaterally compromising a committed relationship is something completely different. That can be skeevy, but there are some people in committed relationships who hardly talk to each other - let alone have sex. So, it is all relative.

[Fabrizio]

Brooklyn you write: "If you have met someone you like and that person is good enough to share this info, I think you are overreacting to it. You are not in a committed relationship at this point, so what is the harm? The person is not cheating on you. Just satisfying a very primal urge. "

Thanks for responding. ^ I get all of that. But it's not strange being with someone....dating someone...who at that very moment has their photo and profile on a hook-up site? Sorta like a phone number on a bathroom wall?

Of course we are not in a relationship ...but even in a relationship I can turn a blind eye to transgressions....they happen....so I think of my self as a rather forgiving, liberal person.... but I can't seem to deal with this.

[BrooklynRider]

Ah, so it seems you need to communicate this discomfort to the person. You are suffering at your own hand. What if you said, "I'm not comfortable with that," and it was taken down because the person did care?

[Ninjahedge]

Ah, so it seems you need to communicate this discomfort to the person. You are suffering at your own hand. What if you said, "I'm not comfortable with that," and it was taken down because the person did care?

He does not want to say that yet... And that's what he maty feel the most uncomfortable about.

Being familiar enough with her to feel at odds with her being n a hookup-site, but not wanting to bear the burden of telling her about that feeling and then being sort of obligated to her by her taking down the picture for him...

Or, not caring about him enough to do it. For a pessimist it is a lose-lose-lose situation!


Fab, don't worry about it. You are not taking her home to meet the family, and as far as I know you are not a famous politician or movie star whose career or standing could be hurt by anything the stodgy public, and ravenous press would see as inappropriate.

You are not wrong in feeling a bit ookey about it, but at the same time, you should not let it bother you that much.