Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

[TREPYE]

Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

Published: December 17, 2006
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/17/fashion/weddings/17FIELDBOX.html?em&ex=1167195600&en=5f99ef8050a4f460&ei=5087%0A (http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/17/fashion/weddings/17FIELDBOX.html?em&ex=1167195600&en=5f99ef8050a4f460&ei=5087%0A)


Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Copyright 2006 (http://www.nytimes.com/ref/membercenter/help/copyright.html) The New York Times Company (http://www.nytco.com/)

[TREPYE]

Just an interesting article I found in the New York Times. I was curious if any of the married or divorced folks could comment on the validity of these questions. Which would have you emphasized more? What other question would you amend this list with?

[Punzie]

I'm a bachelorette (no children), and I've become acquainted with countless divorced men who didn't discuss this question with their wives-to-be:

What steps will the couple take if one partner, (in the cases I've come across, the woman), loses all or most interest in sex, and there is no sign of it returning? If no other therapies worked, would the uninterested partner be willing to take medication? (Estrogen replacement therapy for women; Viagra for men.)

[ZippyTheChimp]

I was curious if any of the married or divorced folks could comment on the validity of these questions. Which would have you emphasized more? What other question would you amend this list with?What's more important is the fact that you are talking. If you don't talk before you get married, you won't do it after; it's the root cause of most marriage problems.

You can eliminate #7. It should be evident during the relationship.

And #3. This sends the signal: life will be boring.


Just an interesting article I found in the New York Times.No it isn't. Dull as a plastic knife.

Talk to me TREPYE. What have you got going on?

[Fabrizio]

Couples can ask all the questions they want, but will the answers be honest? When you're in love, you're in love.

as for: "What steps will the couple take if ...(....).....the woman), loses all or most interest in sex, and there is no sign of it returning?"

I think at that point, a lot of husbands think, "Yipee! Free at last!"

[MrSpice]

I think this list of questions is mostly ridiculous. Answers to many of them are not necessary for a happy marriage. That's my personal opinion. I don't have to like my wife's family as long as I love, respect and like my wife. After all, I am not going to be living with her father and mother. I cannot say I care that much for many of my wife's friends, but I still hang out with them when my wife wants me to because it's not like those friends are repulsive or so annoying that I cannot stand it. When it comes to saving and spending, that's not an issue for most couples. You work and you save as much as you can, and you can negotiate the spending with the person you love. My wife spends more than I would want (on hair, nails, clothes, etc.) But as long as we can afford it, I can certainly live with that. Things like that - for normal people - won't break or save the marriage.

[BrooklynRider]

If you have to ask: "Does that get any bigger?" - find a new man.

[Punzie]

If she has to ask: "Does that get any bigger?" - find a new woman.

[TREPYE]

Thanks for the responses. I am not married but to due to the length of time I have been in the relationship I am going to have to make that decision soon. While I know that getting to know someone is not just a Q & A session I was curious as to what the critical points are to base my decision on.

[Punzie]

Thanks for the responses. I am not married but to due to the length of time I have been in the relationship I am going to have to make that decision soon. While I know that getting to know someone is not just a Q & A session I was curious as to what the critical points are to base my decision on.

It sounds like she (he?) is ready to get married and you're not. If you were ready, you wouldn't be posting an article from the New York Times and asking our opinions. You wouldn't give a damn what we thought. You would have trusted your opinion completely and already proposed.

But don't take my word, talk to Zippy. He is very, very wise.


P.S. Strange things happen when a man is on the fence. Take double precaution that she doesn't get pregnant.

[TREPYE]

And #3. This sends the signal: life will be boring.


It sure seems that way from the inside information I've gotten and from the outside looking in. However, then we come to the cross roads of either lonely and depressed or married and miserable.....

[TREPYE]

P.S. Strange things happen when a man is on the fence. Take double precaution that she doesn't get pregnant.

I do ;)

[Punzie]

You probably saw this topic already, the one where a U.K. member asks about his New York iternary for proposing to his fiancee. At a certain point, a second U.K. member also asks questions about a marriage proposal he's planning...

These men are very anxious, (they say so), but it's about their plans for the proposal, "getting it just right." One is a little worried if he chose the right ring. These men are asking the questions that perspective grooms have been asking since... ancient times.

These men know that marrying their women is definitely what they want, and they're not asking us for an opinion. If you are not absolutely, positively sure that you want to get married to your woman, then don't -- not right now, anyway. Go to couples therapy with her first.

[ZippyTheChimp]

But don't take my word, talk to Zippy. He is very, very wise.No, just a lot of water under the bridge.


Thanks for the responses. I am not married but to due to the length of time I have been in the relationship I am going to have to make that decision soon.There should be no marriage unless both partners want to get married.


You probably saw this topic already, the one where a U.K. member asks about his New York iternary for proposing to his fiancee. At a certain point, a second U.K. member also asks questions about a marriage proposal he's planning...

These men are very anxious, (they say so), but it's about their plans for the proposal, "getting it just right."Overdone, if you ask me.

Sometimes, you just have to stand on your own merits, stick your neck out and be vulnerable. For me, there was no ring, no preparation.

We'd been living together for quite a while, and late one night after a party, we were on the Brooklyn waterfront. It suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't think of my life without her, but realized if she said no, the relationship would be over. I was so tense that I needed to add a little joke:

"Marry me, or there's a 50-50 chance I'll jump in the river."

"50-50?"

"It's my favorite suede jacket."



Men sometimes think they are afraid of marriage, when they are really afraid of weddings.

I doJust keep saying that.

[Front_Porch]

Seriously adorable, Zippy.

Does anyone know if our friend Frank Hegly proposed yesterday, and if she said yes??

[TREPYE]

:confused: Its been two years and I still haven't proposed, unsurprizingly, she is just about to walk out.

Love her too much to let her go as we can have a lot of fun together and enjoy much of the same activities...

But I abhor her flaws so much (like her propensity for cofrontation) that I dont know if I can deal with them for the rest of my life...

....and T scale of "flaws" and "qualities" tips bak and foth by the hour. :rolleyes:

[Ninjahedge]

How many years does that make it?

Are you in the US? If you are, although I like the idea of marriage, the penalties you pay for it (Taxes) are outrageous!

How old are you two? Have you tried the therapy thing? What is it about getting married that is important to her? The legality or what others will think?

Marriage is an important step, but you have to make sure it is for the right reasons.

Why are you scared? Are you rich? You think she is going to turn into someone different? Why does she want it? Because her friends are asking?


Seriously, see a councelor to find out what the push and resistance is for, and if you can't come to a conclusion, break it off. If you can find out what is up and get through it, well, you have your answer.

[TREPYE]

^ No, she is a very decent gal and I trust her. She beautiful, resourceful, funny, smart and adventurous.

But she's got this flaw (among others but this is a HUGE one)that really peturbs me and that is that when there is a stressful situation her psyche crumbles into a thousand pieces leading her to be very confrontational. I try calming her down and it doesnt work for the most part; and I have tried to indicate and tell her that she should keep her cool, etc, but -obviously- to no avail. This annoys me so much so I feel like giving her a one way ticket to Patagonia. Thus, in the face of marriage problem solving, IMO, is a huge deal and this is something that she handles terribly. When things go wrong they get worse with her and that is a hard flaw to deal with when you are running a household, raising kids, paying bills...etc. I know nobody is perfect and that is not what I expect from her but there are certain things that you can do without. To put up with someone's inability to handle stress, giving me a hard time over crap while trying to raise a family seems to be a bit much to ask.

Just to gather some consencus I was just wondering if anyone had an opinion as to how important it is for your significant other to handle stressful situations in a constructuve manner.

[Countesss]

Trep, I feel for you...

Grace under pressure is not a luxury any longer; it is a necessity in any relationship these days. I feel your instinct is correct; this type of behavior is a showstopper. Not recognizing a need to fix the problem or the willingness to change, is non-negotiable.

And a fear of being alone is no longer a strong case for getting legally and morally bound to another until you die. Build yourself up as a confident, self-assured, stable person and they will flock to you. Stay in an unwell co-dependent relationship and neither of you will improve yourself. You've done the "white knight" thing ~ now do the "right" thing, expand your horizons... and be patient! :cool:

[TREPYE]

Thank you for your sage words, Countesss....:)

[Countesss]

Thank you for your sage words, Countesss....:)

Just pointing out some things you already knew... ;)