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July 27th, 2005, 01:04 PM
The Spoof
July 27, 2005

New York Fires Statue of Liberty

Written by Moby

For Hire

While recent reports speak of the recovering economy, declining unemployment trends have coalesced in one of the most historic layoffs of our time--and now, New York's own Statue of Liberty is out of a job.

The unfortunate news came unexpectedly to Liberty last Tuesday, when several security guards denied her access to her concrete foundation. Many of Liberty’s belongings were delivered yesterday to her doorstep, among them her chains and crown. Citizens and officials alike heckle the poor condition that her equipment is in; the chains have been broken but never repaired, while the crown remains dangerously unblunted.

A frenchwoman, Ms, Liberty was hired by the New York Port Authority in 1885 to 'stand and look pretty, fill newcomers with abundances of hope, and such forth'. In her prime, she was a remarkable worker. For more than a century Liberty had been an inspirational beacon, not only to tense, foreign immigrants but to the proud citizens of America as well. And never once was she caught lifting pens or stealing toilet paper from the supply closet.

However, modern courtesy demands skills that are far superior to Liberty's, who dropped out of Monument College in 1882 to pursue an acting career. New Yorkers especially are unimpressed with Liberty's enduring ability to hold her torch for extensive periods of time, and teenagers have continued to protest her dated clothing style since 1997.

In Washington, a number of groups have lobbied against her disheartening pale green coloration, and the American Teachers' Union recently expressed a thorough disregard for her frivolously-endorsed tablet, which lacks both quality literature content and a proper works cited. Health advocates, meanwhile, balk at Liberty's sickly bodyweight, a lofty 150 tons.

Despite more than a century of service, Liberty was merely three years short of earning her retirement pension, leaving her dependent on only a small savings account. Without a degree and lacking the proper office training, Liberty has no decent means of financial security, though she has expressed an interest to return to the stage.

New York has since spoken about hiring a bronze, 200-ft panda as Liberty’s replacement. The Chinese figure, a graduate of the prestigious Sculpture Academy, juggles bowling pins and balances plates on his nose, clearly a more appropriate emblem for these modern times.

Copyright © 2003 TheSpoof.com

November 21st, 2006, 01:06 PM
Sailor's Chivalry

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

November 21st, 2006, 01:37 PM
Ha! That is a funny one! Good one, buddy!

December 18th, 2006, 06:39 AM
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.

There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

(Ooooh... that was bad!)